the sick feeling i currently have in my stomach is a pretty good representation of what my life is to me right now. every day i question myself more and more what the hell i am doing here. more questioning, no more answers than none. why do i feel this path that has been lain before me is as wrong as it is unchangeable. why can't something work out? it's as if all the forces of the universe are going against my desires. as if all that i want i will not have.

"and then i thought, i could do with this. then i was immediately crushed, because that thought is a jinx. whenever something makes me feel that way, whatever it is, it goes away."

my sentiments haven't changed since i posted that a little more than a month ago.

such a shitty day.